To My Abuser

This is the hardest, most painful thing I will ever have to write because in a selfish way, I need peace. Peace from constantly being scared and feeling so low. Feeling like I was never good enough and that I will never be good enough for anyone – like I am just damaged goods.

You did quite the number on me, not physically but mentally and emotionally. You put me through the ringer and just when I thought it was all over well guess what, you showed up again – to disrupt my life and bring back all the pain, the hurt and the feeling of worthlessness.

The whole situation isn’t something I wouldn’t have ever of seen coming. You were kind, smart and loving – then it was like something just snapped. You became more and more violent. The things you said and did not only hurt me but everyone around you, everyone who loved you. The drinking became heavier to numb whatever you were feeling – things got scarier and scarier. You saw the world with a jaded view, something I’ve never seen before. The anger, the hurt, the unwillingness to love or see the bright side of things. The man I fell in love with, the one who I thought I was going to marry and spend my life with, have kids and grow old together. Clearly – life had a different plan.

As the days turned into weeks and the months into years – how you acted changed and not subtly. It was swift like the current of a river and there was no changing what was happening. No amount of trying to make things better helped. I always got blamed.

I wasn’t good enough, I never did anything, I was too lazy, too clingy, too annoying. I was the b*tch who could never do a damn thing right – even when I tried my hardest, I was the bad person.

It took me months to realize my self-worth, to realize that what I was experiencing wasn’t a healthy relationship. That you controlled every aspect of my life because you didn’t want me to have anything or anyone except you in my life. You felt shitty so you needed me to feel the same, to make sure I was always on your level or below you so it was easier to control me. It’s the reason why everyday I came home from work I was terrified of what was going to happen. It’s why I spent my birthday alone, only to come home and for you to make me feel worthless because I treated myself to a nice day and didn’t spend that money on you.

Your mind was so warped and broken that there was no saving you from the person you became. The cold, heartless, empty shell of a man you slowly changed into and it happened right in front of my eyes. There was no changing what was happening as hard as I tried to stop it.

The day you kicked me out, made me pack all my shit in the middle of the night and then leave without ever saying another word to me was the best gift you ever gave me. I found my strength. I found the people who truly cared for me and they made sure I was okay when you never gave a damn about me.

In the months since it all happened, all the hurt you continued to put me through, I realized something very important. How strong I needed to be when I didn’t think I could be, how many amazing people I had to help me every step of the way but most importantly – I am becoming the person I’m meant to be. To become stronger, more adventurous, to not settle for anything less than I deserve and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve found my voice in the end.

It isn’t a situation that will ever be easy to talk about. To deal with – constantly watching over my shoulder in fear you might appear and try to hurt me but everyday gets a little easier. Everyday is a step forwards toward something better, less broken. The journey of life isn’t an easy one, each step a little rocky but in the end I’ll stumble into someone great. Who treats me with respect, who doesn’t hurt me or think I’m worthless. Someone who doesn’t hold me back from my dreams but instead pushes me towards my goals.

So to you, my abuser – you deserve whatever happens to you. Thank you for showing me that I deserve better.

 

Live Boldly. Live Beautifully.

 

XOXO